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September 12, 2008
The strong willed child
From the beginning, I've known that something was different, harder, about my relationship with Mandy than most mothers. Sometimes I thought she was a more difficult kid, but most of the times I assumed I was a more incompetent mother.
One example is the sleep training. I worked & worked, and while we saw some success, she still to this day will sometimes howl in anger at being placed in her crib. Why? If I'm putting her to bed at the same time, with about the same amount of nap, why does she drift peacefully off one night & the next she will scream in anger? One mother said "just because a child can put themselves to sleep, doesn't mean they will." That's definitely where we are with Mandy.
Another was some of the first behavioral issues - namely biting and rolling around on the changing table. I read everything I could get my hands on about biting, and there's a lot of information out there since it's apparently a common problem. Most suggest telling the baby "no" in a strong voice and maybe putting the baby down for a minute. One "expert" just told the mother to live with it - it's just a stage. Well, that particular stage was leaving me with bruises the size of quarters up & down my arms and that just went against my common sense as a mother - to let the child actually harm me & do nothing about it.
She was maybe 10 months old & I was at a friend's house with 3 kids of her own discussing these issues. I told her that I hesitated to start spanking at this very young age, but I was really getting to the end of my rope with nothing else working. She suggested I try squeezing her hand to get her attention - not hard enough to hurt, but a little uncomfortable maybe. Sounded good. She went on to say that every child is different & one of hers would stop dead in her tracks with a firm voice whereas the other had to have her hand smacked 3 times before she would comply. I still chuckle when I picture her saying "3 times" wide eyed, like it's shocking information.
So the time came to teach Mandy something & I pulled the hand squeezing thing out of my bag of tricks. Nothing. She just seemed to be angry that I had a hold of her hand. It was an important lesson, so I smacked her hand ever so gently. Nothing - no response. In fact, I smacked her hand over 10 times that morning, and while I never hit her hard, I wouldn't describe it as "ever so gently" either. I finally gave up & stuck her in her play pen. I knew, I just knew that most kids would decide to obey long before 10 hand smacks. My husband finally grew tired of the biting battle and really gave her a good smack on the bottom one day. At the time, I didn't like it at all, but the thing is - she stopped biting. I had been working with her for no less than 3 months with nothing to show for it but new & old bruises. She obviously needs a heavy hand.
Last night, I pulled out my copy of The Strong-Willed Child by James Dobson. The description is Mandy to a T. In fact, she is even more extreme than the examples he gave as being extreme. One mother described smacking her child's hand 9 times before she obeyed & everyone was amazed that the child was that stubborn. Mandy has never obeyed after 9 smacks. In fact, I'm still looking for what will make her obey. I kinda assumed if 10 smacks wouldn't do it, no amount of hand-smacks would.
Some of the traits he describes is irregular sleep patterns, willful disobedience throughout childhood, more prone to depression, a particularly rebellious teenage period. Guess who else this fits to a T? Yeah - that would be me. And my husband. And strong willed people are more likely to have a strong willed child.
I knew I had a horrible time obeying my mother. In fact, just on principle, I usually wanted to do the opposite of whatever she wanted me to do. Even when I knew what she wanted me to do was the best for me. I've pondered over that for literally hours since having Mandy - asking myself repeatedly, what could my mother have done to motivate me. I've never gotten the answer to that. For whatever reason, I was going to do whatever I wanted to do without any regard whatsoever for her rules. If I wanted to do something that was against her rules, it just meant I had to be smarter in doing it - but her rules never were part of the equation. Obeying just never occurred to me.
The good news, Dr. Dobson assures me, is that these children grow out of all this rebellion. By 20, 30 at the latest, most of them are more compliant people.
Hold me. I'm scared.
| By Wifeepoo | 6:31 AM
Comments
we're thinking of getting that book for our 2-y-o, as the battles are getting more intense.
but anyway, if you dont mind me saying, in this day-and-age I'd be careful how you blog about discipline methods. perhaps I'm paranoid, but you hear all those horror stories about people freaking out about corporal discipline and dragging the cops in, etc etc.
Posted by: daddy-o at September 12, 2008 3:03 PM
Well, if someone does freak out and make the drastic mistake of calling the police on this loving family, all they will find is a wonderful mother who waited years and years and years to have a child of her own, and who loves this little girl with everything that she is and has.
To discipline a child is to love them and care about their future. I was spanked as a child, and so was my husband, and amazingly, we are both upstanding citizens who don't break the law, pay our taxes, and both hold well-paying jobs. Imagine that!! Sorry, I had to be a bit sarcastic.
It just gets me so riled that people think that spanking, when necessary, and done appropriately with love, explanation, and without anger, is a bad thing. In our ever so touchy-feely society where spanking is considered taboo because we might hurt their little self esteems, we have a higher crime rate and pregnancy rate among teens, more downright defiance and violence by children to their parents, teachers, and peers, etc. Children need to learn from a very early age that there are limits and that there are consequences to their actions. I consider spanking an absolute last resort, but there are times that it is appropriate.
Yes, this comment is a total and complete support of the wonderful author of this blog and a bit of thumbing my nose at those who apparently don't think discipline is important, or at least not important enough to go out on a limb against conventional society to do what's best for their children.
Posted by: Tracy at September 12, 2008 9:08 PM
geez, the defensiveness is a bit much. try not to assume a word of caution is an attack. over-defensiveness causes you to assume that a friend is an enemy. perhaps you feel you dont need anyone's advice or comment? then why post it in a completely public blog community...but I digress...
perhaps I fully agree with appropriate spanking. perhaps I've spanked my children, even today. perhaps I fully agree with everything you've just said. perhaps I've read "shepherding a child's heart" and fully agree with nearly every word.
this was my only point in my original attempt at a friendly word of caution: perhaps we ought to be careful when we (VERY) publicly declare what we're doing when such declarations can be interpreted wrongly by those who have the power to take our children from us. perhaps not.
Posted by: daddy-o at September 12, 2008 10:22 PM
daddy-o - the Strong Willed Child is an excellent book by an excellent author. I would strongly recommend it, even if you don't think your child fits the "strong willed" description. I'm pretty sure I will be reading Dare to Discipline and Parenting is not for Cowards in the upcoming months.
And you're right about the general public opinion being against corporal punishment - I pondered that before blogging. Obviously, I don't agree with the general public opinion on this issue, and for now at least, corporal punishment is still legal.
Dr. Dobson's advice, and I wholeheartedly agree, is less actual spanking, but earlier in the conflict. I think the mistake many parents make is to spend so much time looking for another way to handle it, that they start to lose their cool & the spanking becomes an angry, emotional event. And I remember from my own childhood, the spankings themselves were not anything that scared or hurt me, but the anger that was displayed did.
I did not take your word of caution as an attack, nor do I think Tracy did. I'm pretty sure she meant her comments, not toward you, but toward anyone who might think as you were cautioning.
Posted by: Lisa at September 13, 2008 5:49 AM
Precisely. My comments were not directed at daddy-o at all. I actually assumed that you were not one of those people that would report someone for spanking. I was simply making a comment about the general public's overreaction to spanking and how ridiculous it is to consider loving, appropriate discipline abuse. I group these people with the nuts that think we shouldn't mark wrong answers in school with a red pen, or play dodgeball, or have winners and losers in games. All these things are a part of life and denying them in childhood is not adequately preparing children for real life as an adult.
Sorry if you took my comments as a personal attack. They really weren't meant for you. It's just something that I feel very strongly about, and I think it's about time that we shouldn't be afraid to discipline our kids. To love them and give them uncompromisingly enforced limits are the most important jobs we have as parents. These are my God-given responsibilities as a parent, and I never, ever want to stand in God's presence and try to explain to Him why I shirked my duty as a parent because I was afraid of a few busybody extremists. I'm sorry that I offended you. I was just trying to make a point and defend Lisa.
Posted by: Tracy at September 13, 2008 5:27 PM
